"This screenplay by Theodore Trout reads well.
He would have to take out the copyrighted characters by others,
such as the Beagle Boys and Olive Oyl, and replace them with parodic versions."
- Gilbert Shelton, 2016
Act 1, Scene 1
- Open oval on crumbling inner city landscape.
- Music - Ogden's Nut Gone Flake by the Small Faces
Title: "Stone Age San Francisco"
- Enter the Freak Brothers in long shot 'trucking' along in unison.
Franklin carries a violin case, Phineas a mandolin case, and Freddy a banjo case.
The camera follows them through the street as they encounter a pedestrian coming the other way.
Freak Bros: "Spare change ? Spare change ? Spare change ?"
(they cluster around the pedestrian, walking back along with him the way they had come.)
- the pedestrian quickens his speed and they drop the chase and continue on,
soon encountering another pedestrian going the opposite way.
Freak Bros: "Spare change ? Spare change ? Spare change ?"
(they cluster around the pedestrian, walking back along with him the way they had come.)
- the pedestrian quickens his speed and they drop the chase and continue on,
soon encountering another pair of pedestrians going the opposite way.
Businessman: "Why don't you get a job you long-haired hippie freak?"
Other businessman: "Yeah, get a haircut Tinkerbell !"
- Franklin and Phineas drop the chase at the first sign of resistance and continue on out of frame left.
The two businessmen also turn and walk out of frame.
Businessman: (off) "Join the Army !"
- Freddy stands his ground mid frame and hollers after them.
- Freddy: " Oh yeah ? Well fuck you, ya fascist pigs! Fuck you ! You hear me ?? Ya fascist pigs !! Fuck eeyou !!!
( he turns and notices that Franklin and Phineas have walked off without him)
" Hey fellows, wait up!"
( he runs out of frame after them)
Act 1, Scene 2
Title: " the fish show presents "
- Enter Phineas T. Freakears 'trucking' in cycle frame right as cityscape cycles past.
Title: " The Adventures of "
- Enter Fat Freddy Freekowtski 'trucking' in cycle mid-frame as cityscape cycles past.
Title: " Gilbert Shelton's "
- Enter Freewheelin' Franklin 'trucking' in cycle frame left as cityscape cycles past.
( this should now suggest the cover of Freak Bros. #2 )
Title: " Fabulous "
- Phineas' left hand rises in peace sign. He grins benevolently .
Title: " Furry "
- Freddy's left hand rises in power salute. He grins defiantly .
Title: " Freak Brothers "
- Franklin's left hand rises with middle finger raised toward the viewer.
He turns his head and sticks his tongue out at the camera as
the landscape cycle stops and the Freak Brothers walk out of frame.
Act 1, Scene 3
- Freak Bros enter frame left. They stand on the corner of Straight and Cashbury.
Freddy: "This looks like a good place !"
Phineas: "Put your hat down on the sidewalk there, Franklin ! "
- Franklin does so, and they open their cases and produce instruments.
Franklin: "What song shall we sing ?"
Phineas: "Something we all know and love ...."
Freddy: "Country Western! "
Freak Bros. (singing):
"Oh there was chickens in the pasture
Chickens in the barn
Chickens in the cauliflower
Chickens in the corn
Chickens driving Cadillacs to Washington DC
When I set my chickens free"
Franklin (looks in hat): "Hm. Nothing."
Phineas: "Maybe an old tune."
Freak Bros. (singing):
" Let's all sing with the druids
Let's all drink fermented fluids
And run naked through the woo-ids
And it's good enough fer me !
Oh gimme that ol' time religion
Gimme that ol' time religion
It was good enough for grampa and it's good enough for me !"
Franklin (looking in hat): "Zero."
Phineas: "Maybe we oughtta try a snappier number."
Freddy: "Rock'n Roll !!"
Freak Bros. (singing):
" Let's All get drunk and go naked
All get drunk and go naked
All get drunk and go naaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyked -
And lie in a great big pile !"
Freddy (shaking hat): "Not a cent."
Phineas: "We might as well give up".
Franklin: "Naw! I'll show you guys how it's done ! Wait here !"
- Franklin grabs his fiddle and runs after a middle-aged tourist couple in loud sunglasses and bermuda shorts.
Sawing furiously at his fiddle, he hurls himself in front of them , then dances crazily around them as he sings:
" Oh give me some money, just give me some money
You can drop it right here on the ground
And if you don't give me enough
I'll follow you all the way home
And sing outside your window
For the rest of your life !"
- Cut back to Freddy and Phineas as Franklin re-enters frame right, counting bills.
Phineas & Freddy: "Wow ! Ten Bucks !"
Franklin: "It's all in knowing what song to sing."
Act 1, Scene 4
- Music - Medicated Goo by Traffic
- Freak Bros stroll through the Haight, greeting fellow furry passersby,
pausing briefly to score a huge paper sack of weed off the 'Parsley Dealer' for ten bucks.
- Freak Bros go home.
They occupy the top floor (third story) of a building near the corner of Mount Pleasant and Trashview.
There is a wooden stairway round the side which they walk up.
The ground floor is a high-ceilinged retail space, occupied by a motorcycle dealership.
On the window is painted a huge Harley/Davidson crest, which instead reads " Heffalump / Dumpaloon ".
There are several bikers hanging around the storefront.
Their jacket crests read, " Hog-Ridin' Fools MC Frisco ".
SFX: Harleys revving, coming and going.
Act 1, Scene 5
- Interior, Freak Brothers' apartment.
Freak Bros enter and sit down around the cable reel.
Phineas: "Well, looks like we're out of money again."
- Franklin puts the bag of grass on the table and begins to fill the bowl of a large hookah in the center of the reel.
Franklin: "Well, that's all reet - we have plenty of grass,
and as we all know, dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dope ."
- Franklin lights the hookah and the Freak Bros. all inhale deeply.
Their eyeballs explode into Spirograph patterns.
- Freak Bros are propelled out of frame by a psychedelic explosion.
SFX: "Sproing Zonk Pow !"
- A giant FLASH blows the top of their heads off as their eyeballs appear as holes through their heads.
SFX: "FLASH"
- Freak Bros. lying on backs with their feet in the air, staring up at ceiling.
Phineas: "...pretty good stuff you have there, brother !"
- Fat Freddy staggers slowly to his feet as the other two remain prone.
Freddy: "Well, I sure am hungry all of a sudden for some reason !"
(he lurches unsteadily toward the kitchen)
- Interior kitchen. Freddy flings open the refrigerator door and passes out face first standing up with his head in the freezer.
SFX: Snore.
Act 1, Scene 6
- Interior, freezer. Fat Freddy appears as a tiny figure sitting on a frozen plain. As we truck out, large blue and green spotted mushrooms appear on either side, sprouting from the ice.
Freddy: "What a frozen wilderness ! Now I know how Scott felt !"
Mushrooms: "Eat me ! Eat Me !
Freddy: (eating) "Mmmm. Mushrooms."
- Freddy is distracted by a dazzling green glow from above.
Freddy: "The polar lights ! Gee, I wish I had a camera !"
- Freddy trudges onwards, still chewing on a mushroom.
He is now dressed in an Eskimo Parka with heavy boots and is carrying a large backpack.
Freddy: "It's really cold here! I bet it must be minus forty ! I'll have to build a fire."
- Freddy builds a fire from old Underground Comix which the backpack is full of.
Freddy: (warming his hands) " I can see something buried under the snow !
Maybe it's a frozen mammoth trapped by the advancing Ice Age ! At least I'll have meat !"
- seen from above, we can see that the melting run-off from Freddy's fire is revealing a 15 foot chicken carcass in the ice.
Freddy: "Good Lord ! (choke) It's some sort of dinosaur !"
- Freddy falls suddenly through the now melting ice.
Freddy: (underwater) "Oh No! I'm drowning !!"
- Freddy falls through the water into air, landing with a Plunk in a landscape of oversized cat food tins and expired produce, all covered with a carpet of mould.
Freddy: "Now I'm lost in an impenetrable jungle of reeking vegetation and fungi! What's that ??"
- a huge cockroach, big as a battleship, wanders into view in the distance.
Freddy: "My god, that's the biggest cockroach I've ever seen!"
SFX: crunch
Freddy: "Oh no! I stepped on a Frito! He sees me !
- the huge insect races toward Freddy, its bulk soon fills the screen as Freddy shrinks to insignificance before it.
Freddy: "No! No, Don't kill me !!"
Act 1, Scene 7
- Freddy wakes up having his belly beaten with a rolled-up newspaper by Franklin as Phineas holds his arms.
Freddy - " No, don't kill me !"
Franklin -" I'll kill you twice, you selfish son of a bitch !
You ate that whole ounce of mushrooms I was keeping in the freezer !"
Phineas - " Kill him ! Break his fingers !"
Freddy : "AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGH!!!"
(he throws Franklin and Phineas off like fleas)
" I just realized we're outta food and we're outta money too!"
Freddy: (eyes widely dilated, tripping balls) " I'm hungry! I wanna pizza!
I wanna teevee enchilada dinner and a six-pack of beer! I wanna sack of deep-fried pork rinds!"
(he begins to rave wildly)
" No! I wanna big plate of spaghetti with garlic sauce! No wait!
Make that two double cheeseburgers with mayonnaise! And a Root Beer malt! "
Phineas: (to Franklin) "It's the hunger crazed food addict! "
Freddy: (flying into floor-pounding tantrum) " I MUST have a candy bar !
And a bag of doughnuts! And a giant soda pop! And a whole jar of dill pickles! "
Franklin: (to Phineas) "He's having withdrawal symptoms! "
Freddy: " A package of BBQ Potato chips! A quart of Lemonade! A slice of watermelon!
A loaf of Raisin bread! A bowl of rice! "
(he lunges at Phineas)
" Give me something to EEEEEEEEEEEEat! "
Phineas: "Egad! He's becoming violent! "
- Freddy falls on his back wriggling spastically, eyes rolled up into his head.
Franklin & Phineas: "Uh-oh! He's got the butcher knife! "
- Freddy charges at them waving the cleaver over his head.
Freddy: "EeeeeeeYAARRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH !!!"
Phineas & Franklin: (turning to run) "Eek! "
- Exterior, Trashview street. Freddy chases Phineas and Franklin with the cleaver.
The lighter and fleeter pair out-distance him quickly.
Phineas: "We'll be eaten alive unless we think of something! "
Franklin: "Quick! Head for the all night grocery! "
- Franklin and Phineas in foreground, Freddy approaching from vanishing point in the distance.
Franklin: "Give me your shirt and vest - I have to look respectable! "
Phineas: "Quick! He's only a block behind us! "
- Franklin, now wearing Phineas' shirt and vest, tucks his hair up under his hat.
Franklin: "Just tuck my hair in...."
- Interior, convenience store. Franklin, now disguised, enters and approaches The Clerk.
Franklin: "Hrumph. Hey Mister! "
Clerk: "Yes sir ?"
Franklin: "I'm Groucho Marx, Junior! No doubt you've heard of Candid Camera on TeeVee ?"
Clerk: "Groucho Marx? Candid Camera? Sure!"
Franklin: "Well yeah! You know those scenes that we show on television aren't exactly unrehearsed like we lead people to believe..."
Clerk: "Yeah? I thought so !"
Franklin: "Yeah! We don't exactly tell people what we're going to do, you understand!
We just give them a little forewarning that something is about to happen, so they won't panic! "
Clerk: "Oh."
Franklin: "As a matter of fact,our hidden camera is about to start filming something right here, IMMEDIATELY."
Clerk: "Here?? WoW !"
Franklin "Don't fuck it up."
- Suddenly Fat Freddy comes crashing in through the window waving his cleaver,
knocking over shelves and sending produce flying.
Freddy: "KREEGAH !!!"
- Freddy slices and gobbles his way through a significant percentage of the junk food in the store
before eventually collapsing in a happy heap.
(see Freak Bros. #1, "the Freaks Pull a Heist" for action)
Freddy: "BELCH."
SFX: THUD
- Franklin and Phineas (shirtless, with a paper bag over his head) re-enter the store,
pile Fat Freddy's prone form with groceries and carry him swiftly out the door and into the distance
before the stunned eyes of the Clerk.
(see Freak Bros. #1, "the Freaks Pull a Heist" for action)
The brothers disappear into the distance as the Clerk gawps, open-mouthed, after them.
- Beat.
Clerk: "Hey Mistah Mahx ? Ya finish ya filming yet ?!
Act 1, Scene 8
- Exterior, Trashview street.
Franklin and Phineas (still with the bag over his head) are climbing the stairs back up to their pad,
still carrying the unconscious Fat Freddy and a load of provisions.
-As they reach the top of the stairs and enter the apartment,
a crash of breaking glass and youthful laughter can be heard from
the yard to the rear of the building, which is hidden behind a tall fence.
- Phineas drops his end of Fat Freddy and cans etc. roll across the floor.
He runs back out onto the landing and rips the bag off of his head.
Phineas: "You no good little punks! Come back here ! Ya common garden pests !
( youthful mockery can be heard fading off into the distance)
Hey, it's your karma, ya striped-ass baboons !"
- Interior, Phineas walks back in as Franklin eats jerky and beer.
Fat Freddy can be seen sticking out of the toilet in the background
(see Freak Bros. #1, "the Freaks Pull a Heist" for action).
Franklin: "What's the matter ?"
Phineas: "Doggunnit! I've gotta figure out a way to keep the neighbourhood kids out of my backyard greenhouse
or pretty soon I won't have any plants left!"
Franklin: "Didn't you put a whole hive of bees in there to defend it and make us quarts and quarts of honeywanna?"
Phineas: "Yeah, but all I got was a greenhouse full of stoned bees going, 'buzz buzz buzzzzzzzz."
- Suddenly a cockroach the size of a german shepherd races past Phineas and Franklin, wrapped in something tweedy.
It is immediately pursued by the now ambulatory Fat Freddy, still tripping balls.
SFX: skitter skitter skitter
Freddy: "AARRRRRGHHH! A Giant Cockroach ! Help Me Catch It !! Come On !!! "
(he chases the cockroach out of frame .)
SFX: Tremendous struggle and crashing from the next room.
Franklin: "Ugh! Let the filthy thing go, Freddy !"
Freddy: (off) "But it's wearing my best sports jacket !"
Act 1, Scene 9
- WIPE - Next day. Phineas stands with his back to the broken, now empty greenhouse.
SFX: distant Harleys coming and going as before.
Phineas: "Nuts! Now where I can I plant this year's homegrown ?"
- Rotate perspective 180 degrees.
Phineas surveys the yard, which contains a 1966 Dodge Charger, a broken down 1960 Ford Falcon, and a dirty grey and white VW van.
There is a gate hanging off its' hinges at the far end of the yard.
Phineas: " If I keep trying to grow it in the back yard, the neighbourhood kids will keep harvesting before it's even ready !"
- He turns around again to face the building, this time looking up towards the roof.
Phineas: " - but not if it were up on the roof ! We have the tallest roof in the neighbourhood !
I could grow all the grass all of us could smoke !"
- Exterior, rooftop. Phineas pops out of a hatch and looks around.
SFX: more distant Harleys coming and going as before.
Phineas: " Lookit all this acreage! All it needs is some topsoil, and some good old American Ingenuity! "
- Interior, department store. Phineas addresses a Clerk, gesturing toward a tower of plastic wading pools
labeled with a sign that reads : "Special! KIDDIE POOLS $4.99 ea."
Phineas: (to Clerk) " That's what I said! Twenty of those little kids' swimming pools! "
- Exterior, street. Two Cops stand outside a Metal Gate adorned with lettering reading "CITY PARK".
A trail of dirt leads from the park past the cops towards the foreground.
First Cop: " I know it sounds weird, but I think someone is stealing dirt right out of Municipal Park !"
- Exterior, rooftop. Phineas planting marijuana seedlings in twenty kiddie pools full of dirt.
He then hooks up an elaborate system of garden hoses to deliver water to all the pools simultaneously.
Phineas: " I'll hook up an irrigation system so I won't have to climb up here with water every day! "
Act 1, Scene 10
-Interior, Freak Bros apartment.
Phineas runs the hose back down through the trap door and into the kitchen to hook it up to the tap.
Fat Freddy is playing with a slot-car racing set on the floor.
- Music - Eat Starch Mom by Jefferson Airplane
Phineas: "What's that ?"
Freddy: " A slot-car racing set that I traded for a lid of weed ! "
- Slot-cars race by in close-up as we see Freddy's face and Phineas' delighted reaction beyond.
Freddy: "See ? You run the little cars by remote control !"
Phineas: "Aw, that's not very realistic ! I bet I can build a better one! "
- Phineas grabs his toolbox and runs downstairs...
- Exterior ... to where Franklin's 1966 Dodge Charger sits parked in the back yard.
Phineas: "I'll use Freewheelin' Franklin's car... he won't mind !"
-Interior of Franklin's car as Phineas modifies it for remote-control.
Phineas: " First, I hok up this reversible electric motor to the steering
... and these servo units to the accelerator and the brake pedal !"
- Phineas hooks up wiring between two large automotive batteries and a wooden box topped with radio tubes,
in the passenger's seat of the car.
Phineas: " Now the batteries and the radio remote control system !"
- Phineas produces a large blow-up toy of Mickey Mouse which he safety-belts into the driver's seat.
Phineas: " It needs a driver - I'll use this plastic inflatable beach toy !"
-Interior, Freak Bros apartment.
Phineas runs back upstairs and into the kitchen, where Fat Freddy is still playing with the slot-car racing set on the floor.
Phineas: "Hey, Fat Freddy, come on up on the roof for a minute !"
Freddy: "Aww.... "
- Exterior, roof of the Freak Brother's building .
Phineas has a remote control dashboard complete with steering wheel and shifter sitting on the forward ledge of the building.
On the rooftop below it are brake and gas pedals, all hooked up to another huge cabinet crowned with radio tubes.
A large TV antenna protrudes from the box above the tubes.
Freddy: "What's that ?"
Phineas: " It's the Phineas T. Freakears Remote Control Racing Car Unit !"
- close on Phineas as he gestures downward toward the street.
Phineas: "And down there..."
- Bird's eye view of Trashview street as Franklin's Charger weaves dangerously through traffic,
a huge aerial protruding from it's roof.
Phineas: "... is my racing car !"
- long of Phineas and Freddy atop the roof, playing with the controls.
Phineas: " Arrgh! Roar !! It's Juan Manuel Fangio in the Grand Prix de Argentina !"
Freddy: (pushing Phineas aside) " Hey, me some too !"
- Extreme long of the building in distance as Franklin's car, driven by Mickey Mouse,
roars with a great screeching of tires past a parked prowl car.
Freddy: " Erroaawwrrrr !! It's A.J. Foyt at Indy ..."
SFX: Siren.
-Close on Phineas and Freddy again.
Phineas: "Hey, you're making it go too fast! There goes a cop after it !"
Freddy: "Oh yeah ? Well they'll never take John Dillinger alive !"
- Exterior, pedestrians scatter as the Charger (driven by Mickey Mouse) screams around a corner tight against the curb,
hotly pursued by the prowl car.
Both cops fire wildly out the windows as they drive.
Cops: "Halt or we'll shoot !"
SFX: Roar of engines, tires squealing, siren, erratic gunfire.
- Close on Freddy gripping wheel.
Freddy: "The car went around a corner ! I can't see it anymore !"
- Exterior, city block as the car appears from around a corner,
then turns clean around and drives straight through the window of a Bank with a WUMP.
SFX: Tires squealing, Impact against building, breaking and flying glass.
- Cut to exterior, other side of same building.
The undamaged glass window is briefly visible beneath the Bank sign before the car emerges from it in an explosion of glass and debris.
SFX: FOOMP
Freddy: "Oh, there it is. "
- Hold on Bank exterior as a huge cloud of Paper Money, apparently drawn out of the building in the car's wake,
hovers briefly in the air like a cloud of butterflies, then begins to flutter gently to earth.
- Across the street, a crowd of Beagle Boys appear from behind fences, inside garbage cans, etc.
They grin in unison.
- Paper lowers, revealing that it is being read by a two-headed duck in a pin-stiped suit and matching narrow-brimmed fedoras.
Both heads resemble Donald Duck, but sound like Daffy Duck.
First Duck head: "It's the work of militants ."
Second Duck head: "Without a doubt."
- Interior, Freak Bros. Apartment.
Freddy (worried): "I painted the car blue and took it apart and hid all the pieces in the river like you said ."
Phineas (crouching below the level of the window, blinds drawn): "Good, now get down before somebody sees you."
Act 1, Scene 11
- Door bursts open, Franklin stands framed in the doorway.
Franklin: "Where the hell's my car ?"
- Cut to Phineas and Freddy, looking busted.
Phineas: "Nowhere !"
Freddy: (simultaneous with Phineas) "It's not here !"
- Close on Franklin.
Franklin (narrows eyes): " ... are you guys okay ?"
- Cut back to Freddy and Phineas, who now appear as a large RCA console television and a small portable Hitachi TV set.
They blink at Franklin guiltily.
RCA: (pointing to Hitachi) "Phineas stole your car and broke it !"
Hitachi: "Shut up! (points toward RCA) Anyway Freddy ate all your ham and drank every one of your beers !"
(both continue squabbling under ...)
- Cut back to Franklin, who blinks a couple of times and gives his head a quick shake.
Phineas and Freddy: (squabbling, in background)
"Yankee Pig-box speak with bifurcated tongue!"
" So, you're made in like Taiwanaland or something !"
Franklin: "Okay, look. Dealer McDope says he'll sell me a pound of weed for $120,
but I've gotta get across town and get to it before somebody else does.
Freddy, gimme your keys ."
Freddy (tossing Franklin his keys): "Okay ."
Franklin: "Oh yeah, I'll need to use your driver's license too, mine got revoked. Is the car working alright ?"
Freddy (handing over license): " Hunh ? Oh yeah, except the turn signals don't turn off by themselves. "
- Franklin exits the apartment.
Freddy: "...and there's no spare tire ... and the speedometer's WAY off ... and the windshield wipers don't work ... "
- Exterior, Freddy leans out the window, talking after Franklin as he walks toward the battered Falcon in the back yard.
Freddy: " ... and it pops out of gear, and you have to pump on the brakes two or three times before they start to work ."
Act 1, Scene 12
- Exterior street, Franklin pilots Freddy's smoking junker through town, dropping screws and springs as it goes.
SFX: Rattle clunk sproing knock clank etc.
- Interior, Freddy's car.
Franklin: "Whew! I feel like some kinda Kamikaze Pirate ..."
- Cut to Franklin counting out twenties in an apartment hallway outside Dealer McDope's door,
which reads, " Dealer McDope: Fine Domestic and Imported Weed".
Franklin: "Sixty, eighty, one hundred, one-twenty !"
- Dealer McDope hands him a large paper sack through the door, which is studded with locks.
Dealer McDope (accepting money): "Thank you ! Come again !"
- Door slams shut.
- Interior, Freddy's car.
Franklin: "Now if I can only make it home ... "
SFX: Sputter and Cough as motor dies.
- Exterior of car as Franklin looks under the hood, surrounded by angry drivers on all sides.
SFX: Honk toot beep etc.
Franklin: "Out of gas! Right in the middle of the busiest intersection in the city !
Fat Freddy forgot to warn me about that ..."
- Franklin runs toward a nearby gas bar.
Franklin: "I'll run score some gas right over here !"
- Cut to Franklin, with a jerry-can of gasoline, running back toward the Falcon .
He can see that a police prowl car is parked alongside it.
Franklin: "Oh No ! A cop has spotted the car ! And that pound of grass is sitting on the front seat !"
- Franklin approaches the cop , who is busily writing out a citation.
Franklin: "Heh heh .. I just ran out of gas !"
Cop: "Lemme see your license and registration ."
- As the cop looks at Freddy's license, Franklin nervously pours the gas in through the open window of the Falcon onto the front seat.
- The cop looks at the picture of Freddy, then at Franklin beyond it.
He looks back at the license, then back at Franklin again.
Franklin nervously pulls a cigarette from the pack in his back pocket, starts trying to strike a match.
Cop: "Hey, this License is expired !"
Franklin (striking match): " Er, uh .. well ..."
- Franklin suddenly flicks the lit match into the car, and bounds lightly aside as both cars explode with a tremendous Ka-BUMF!
- Franklin runs crazily toward and then off camera as the Cop runs around with his ass on fire in the background.
Franklin: "Long Live the Marinus Van der Lubbe International Firebombing Society !"
- Interior, Freak Bros. apartment. Freddy looks up as Franklin enters.
Freddy: "Hey, I forgot to tell you that it's almost out of gas! Gauge doesn't work.
And oh yeah, I think my license might be expired too ..."
Franklin: "Well then, I think it's only fair to tell you that the FBI is after you ... "
Act 2, Scene 1
- Wipe to: Exterior, FBI Building.
Music- Dragnet theme (or thereabouts)
1940's news voice (VO): "Meanwhile, at FBI headquarters ... "
- Fade to:
- truck into close-up of glass office door with lettering reading , " Tricky Prickears, Director."
Tricky is briefly seen in silhouette against the window.
Tricky: " Norbert my boy, drug-crazed anarchists are running amuck in San Francisco."
Tricky: "Agent Norbert, President Nignew (indicates portrait of President with his white cane)
himself has assigned me the task of assigning you the task.
Whoever this new anarchist cult is, it's up to you to root them out and stop them before they can plant LSD
in all the suburban flowerbeds of America ."
Norbert: " Sir, I already know who it is ! It's my eternal nemeses, those festering furry freak brothers !
They live right in the midst of that area, those crazed dope fiends have GOT to be involved somehow !"
Tricky: "Agent Norbert, I hardly think some two-bit potheads masterminded the daring daylight robbery of the Last National Bank !
And the man who destroyed the prowl cars personally claimed responsibility for some French Canadian terrorist outfit."
Norbert: "It's gotta be them ! Trust me, I've followed them for years !
These guys are SO stoned, they're like a trainwreck that never stops happening !
Law, order, honesty and good sense crumble in the utter chaos they leave in their wake !
They're the worst kind of anarchists, 'cause everything they do is totally unplanned !"
Tricky: "Very well Agent Norbert, it's in your hands.
Capt. Horrigan and Sgt O'Rilly here will be your liasons with the San Francisco Police force .
(he indicates Horrigan and O'Rilly).
Norbert: (Saluting) "Yes sir, Director Prickears sir ! You can count on me, sir !"
Tricky: " Just don't fuck it up !"
Music: Dragnet theme as before.
Act 2, Scene 2
- Wipe to: Interior, Freak Bros apartment.
Music: On the Road Again by Canned Heat
Franklin: "Well, after all that we're still out of dope !
We'll just have to drive out to Country Cowfreak's farm and score a key of that boondock county homegrown he's been cultivating ."
Freddy: "Yay! Country Cowfreak's !"
Phineas: " ...great, and then back home in the van with a key of weed. No sweat ."
Wipe to:
- Exterior, Mount Pleasant and Trashview.
Norbert's van parks across the street from the Freak Bros' building.
Its' panel reads 'TV Repair', and there are various strange antennas sticking up from the roof.
- Interior, Norbert's surveillance van.
Norbert addresses O'Rilly and Horrigan, holding up a small vase containing artificial flowers.
Norbert: "Gentlemen, this will be our ultimate weapon in our war against the weedheads.
You've heard of electronic bugging devices no doubt ?
Well this one, instead of broadcasting sound, can electronically transmit odour.
(he twists the vase, extending a small antenna)
That way, as soon as they light up a 'jay', we move in !"
- Exterior, Freak Bros exit building, and drive off in Phineas' van.
- Interior, Norbert's surveillance van.
Norbert: "There they go! Captain , you two follow them , they may be plotting another brazen assault on public decency!
Meanwhile, I'll 'bug' their 'pad' while they're out 'doing their thing'."
- Exterior, Horrigan and O'Rilly break off to go tail the Freak Bros out to Cowfreak's.
- Interior, Freak Bros apartment.
Norbert climbs in through the window and places the Odour Mike on the cable spool along with all the other bongs etc.
Norbert: "What filth and clutter ! They'll never notice this device on the coffee table ."
- Exterior, Norbert sneaking back down the stairs.
Norbert: " Now, back to the receiving unit !"
Act 2, Scene 3
- Exterior, highway: The Freaks' VW van is coasting along through traffic.
- Interior, Phineas' van.
Freddy: "Howcum we don't go out to Cowfreak's more often ?"
Phineas: "'Cause he only sells keys, and who needs to get caught with a key ?"
Franklin: "Aw, relax Phineas, you're too uptight ."
Phineas: "Three words: California Highway Patrol ."
Freddy: "Yeah, Cowfreak grows some far out pot."
Phineas: "That guy's been probed one time too many ."
- Exterior, highway: Horrigan and O'Rilly tailing the Freaks in a ghost car.
Horrigan: "Ten eight hundred and fifty! Three seventy-nine and four seventy-seven ! Ten three-oh-six and ten fucking ten !"
-Exterior, both cars travel out through the California countryside 'til the VW van pulls off under a sign that reads 'Shakey Acres'.
Horrigan and O'Rilly cruise past, eyes narrowed.
Act 2, Scene 4
- Exterior, Country Cowfreak's farm.
Cowfreak and the Bros walk down a row of corn as high as an elephant's eye.
Cowfreak: "Well, here it is, boys - "
- Cowfreak steps between two corn plants and disappears, the Freak Bros follow.
- Interior, Cowfreak's marijuana patch. Huge sparkly purple plants tower over the Bros.
Cowfreak: " - the Mythical Muthalode Mindfuck ."
( he lights up a HUGE joint, which he draws from under: )
Franklin: " Wow, that's some great-looking sensimilla, Cowfeak! You must have a green thumb ."
(Cowfreak passes him the joint which he then draws from)
Cowfreak: (exhaling) "Well shucks, cousin, I just put the seeds in the ground.
(beat)
'Course, I get them seeds from the spacemen . Y'know, I think it's 'bout time for a song !"
Song: " Set Your Chickens Free" .
"Well I was born down south on a chicken farm near Nashville, Tennessee
T’weren’t nobody there, but a sky full of air, 17 billion chickens, and me
And then one day I said “Hey, hey, hey, think I’ll drop a little LSD.”
Well, it blew my mind,
I got real kind,
And I set my chickens free.
And there was
Chickens in the pasture,
Chickens in the barn,
Chickens in the cauliflower,
Chickens in the corn,
Chickens driving Cadillacs to Washington DC,
When I set my chickens free."
(See the Shelton strip "Set Your Chickens Free" for action.)
- All join in this lively musical number.
Horrigan and O'Rilly can be seen skulking behind and peeping between the cornstalks as the freaks and chickens frolic.
Wipe to:
Act 2, Scene 5
- Exterior, Mount Pleasant and Trashview.
Norbert's van is still parked across the street from the Freak Bros' building.
- Interior, Norbert's van. Norbert is visibly agitated.
Norbert: " Gee, I hope they get back soon !
I really have to go to the bathroom and I don't want to have to pee in my boot again like I always do on stake-out ....
... ooooohhhhh.... "
- Norbert squirming and fidgeting.
Norbert: " Oh gawd I can't stand it any more !"
(takes boot off, pisses in it just below frame) " Oh oh -ohhhhhhhhhhh ... oh thank god."
- Exterior, Mount Pleasant and Trashview.
Norbert's van is still parked across the street from the Freak Bros' building.
Phineas' van drives by, pulls around the back of the building.
- Interior, Norbert's van. Norbert is still pissing, panics when he sees the van.
Norbert: "Oh no ! They're already back and I'm still shaking hands with the unemployed !
Hurry up, hurry up !"
- Norbert zips up and steps back into his boot.
SFX: Ga- LOONK (Deep splash, like a boulder into the sea).
- Exterior, Mount Pleasant and Trashview.
Freddy, Phineas and Franklin walk round the corner of the building and ascend the staircase to their pad.
- Interior, Norbert's van. Norbert is watching the Freak Bros through binoculars.
Norbert: "Ooh looky ! The fat one's so high he doesn't even touch the ground when he walks !
But little do they suspect, I have the electronic odour-bugging device !"
( he straps a large gas mask onto his face, which is connected by a vacuum hose to an unlikely-looking machine )
Norbert: "I'll just strap on the receiver and turn it up all the way ..."
(he manipulates the controls of the unit)
- Interior, Freak Bros apartment. Door opens, The Freaks enter.
Freddy: "Wow, that was a really good dinner !"
Phineas: "Nice restaurant ... "
Franklin: "Cheap, too !"
Freddy (medium close): "There's only one thing about Mexican food and beer though ..."
- Freddy lifts his leg and fires a huge gaseous green fart directly at the little plastic vase on the cable reel,
causing it to spin, wobble, finally keel over completely, and roll off the table onto the floor.
SFX: Long flatulent trombone note.
- Exterior, Mount Pleasant and Trashview.
The back doors of the van burst open and Norbert tumbles out, clutching his throat and thrashing his legs violently.
His face is green, his eyes bugged out, his tongue extended.
Norbert: "GHASP! GHAG! Rrrretchhhhh! "
( projectile vomiting, etc. )
- Norbert struggles to his feet as though overcome by Vertigo.
Norbert: "Agh! Gack! Christ! Holy Jesus fuck a shit souffle that stinks !"
Norbert (recovers his composure, straightens his tie): "Alright Freaks, that's it. No more Mister Nice Norbert !"
Norbert (strikes pose a la Vivian Leigh in 'Gone With the Wind'): " For this indignity I shall swear eternal vengeance !"
Norbert: "From this moment forth, YOUR ASS IS MINE, CLOWNS ."
( puts his foot down hard )
SFX: Ga- LOONK (Deep splash, as before).
- Wipe to:
Act 2, Scene 6
- Interior, Freak Bros' apartment.
Freddy (reading newspaper): "Hey, wow! The cops have got drug sniffing dogs now! There's a thing about it in the paper !"
SFX: Knock at the door.
Phineas (getting up): "Now who could that be ?"
- As Phineas approaches the door, the sound of a dog barking can be heard outside.
SFX: Dog barking
- The Freaks freeze, then spring into furious action, flushing the weed 'til it clogs the toilet, then throwing the rest out the window.
Phineas pours what looks like an ounce of coke into the sink, while Franklin scours the tiles and Freddy tidies up with a whisk broom.
The three then quickly scour the rest of the apartment with broom, vacuum, duster etc., before plopping back down in their chairs.
(See 'Freak Bros and the Mysterious Stranger' for action.)
- Phineas then approaches the door as before.
- Phineas opens the door, revealing a slender but large-breasted woman with an orange afro, heart-shaped shades,
a sheer red low-cut halter-top, purple cut-offs cut off about as high as possible, and platform pumps.
She is leading a pink toy poodle on a chain.
Poodle: "Bark! Bark! "
Orange Hooker: "Hi! I'm new in the neighbourhood ! I thought i'd just drop over and get acquainted !
We could have a 'get-acquainted party' right here this afternoon! I'm into all kinds of things...
massage, body-painting, photography, nude swimming, and all kind of 'indoor games ...' "
- She squeezes her breasts for emphasis.
Orange Hooker: "I've got a friend ! We could do a threesome ! Maybe you'd like French lessons ?
How about Greek culture ? Are you into underwear ? S&M ? B&D ? Golden Shower ?
Animal Lover ?"
- She stops to consult a small booklet from her back pocket.
Orange Hooker: "er, uh ... necrophilia ? Cop, uh ... coprophagia ?"
(sotto voce) "Jesus, what the hell is coprophagia ?"
- Phineas slams the door full in the lady's face.
SFX: SLAM
Freddy: "Why did you slam the door in that lady's face, Phineas ?"
Franklin: "Yeah, that sounded like a lot of fun !"
Phineas: "That was no lady, that was Notorious Norbert the Narc in drag !
I told you the fuzz were onto us !"
- Exterior, Trashview street.
Horrigan: "Maybe your pants weren't tight enough ."
- Horrigan gives Norbert a swift kick in the shorts. His orange wig flies off.
Norbert: "Aw, c'mon fellows ..."
O'Rilly (stuffing Norbert into the ghost car): "Just get your fruity ass in there before somebody sees you with us ."
Norbert (off): "Hey, take it easy !"
Wipe to:
Act 2, Scene 7
Interior, Freak Bros. apartment.
Freddy: "Hey, today is my birthday ! Let's have a party ! I'll go get a keg of beer and we can ... "
Franklin: "No ! Everybody will get drunk and start raising hell and then the cops will come and bust us !!"
Freddy: "Aw, you're just paranoid. The cops never bust drunk parties anymore ."
Phineas: "C'mon Freddy, we've already got Notorious Norbert sniffing around,
and I've got a got a ton of weed growing on that roof.
Besides, if we don't get busted we'll get ripped off for everything that isn't nailed down ."
Freddy: " Aw, you're just on some kind of capitalist piggy trip !
If everyone was like you nobody would ever have any fun !"
- Freddy sulks in the corner, sniffling and muttering to himself.
Freddy (sotto voce): " Snuk, sniffle, snurk - nobody likes me ! whimper moan - not even on my birthday ! snurf etc. "
Phineas: "Okay, okay ! You can have a party, but you have to keep people off the roof !"
Freddy: "YAY !!! I'll go get the keg !"
(he jumps up and bounds out of the door)
- Exterior, street. Various hip types are loitering in the Haight.
Fat Freddy drives through in the van, hollering out the window at them.
Freddy: "Party ! Free beer !! Follow Me !!!"
Act 2, Scene 8
music - Hey Granma by Moby Grape
- Exterior, Mount Pleasant and Trashview.
A giant rager of a party has formed with the Freak Bros' apartment as it's locus.
it continues down the stairs to the street and overflows into the neighbourhood.
- Interior, Freak Bros' apartment.
The Freak Bros shmooze among the crowd of dopers and nubile hippie chicks.
Busy Buns: "Gee Freddy, it's awful hot and stuffy in here ! Can we go up on the roof ?"
Groupie Princess: "Yeah ! Let's go up on the roof !
Freddy: "Sure, girls ! Let's go up on the roof !"
(Freddy yanks the cord which pulls down the stairway to the roof)
Phineas: "No no no no ! You can't go up there, Freddy, c'mon man !"
Busy Buns: "Oh, come on up on the roof with us Phineas, please ? It's too hot in here !"
Groupie Princess: "Yeah, c'mon Phineas, we'll get naked for you !"
Phineas (sudden change of heart): "Hey, let's go up on the roof ! But just us, okay ?"
Busy Buns (to crowd): "C'mon everybody, naked party on the roof !"
- Exterior, Freak Bros' roof.
The girls run between the kiddie pool marijuana gardens, disrobing as they groove to the Moby Grape.
Others in the crowd begin to join them.
Phineas: "Nooooo ! Don't mess anything up !"
Freddy: "Yeah, don't mess anything up or Phineas' mom will go apeshit !"
- Soon several topless hippie chicks are twisting and frugging amid the weed plantations.
- A DEA helicopter appears bearing Norbert, performing 'aerial surveillance'.
- Close on Norbert, spotting out of the chopper with huge binoculars.
Norbert: "Suspected anarchists under surveillance in sector three niner foxtrot! There appears to be a riot in progress!
We're going in for a closer look !"
- Phineas' eye view of the helicopter approaching the rooftop.
Cut to Phineas looking up.
Phineas: "Uh oh ..."
- Close on Norbert, spotting out of the chopper.
Norbert: " There seems to be a rooftop garden of some sort and HOLY blue-eyed whore humpin blond Irish Jesus those are some big ol' titties !
Wouldja look at those big-titted hippie chicks ! Hominahominahominahomina ... "
- Binocular view of Busy, Princess and other topless girls of various descriptions shaking their goods around.
Busy Buns: "I think they see us ! Yoohoo, guys ! Ya wanna party ?"
- The girls flirt and pout for the helicopter, showing off and hooting.
Norbert: " Oh my lordy I sure do 'dig' those nekkid hippie chicks! Lordy sweet jesus have a mercy !"
Pilot (grabbing for binoculars): "Let ME see ! Let ME see !"
( a struggle ensues )
Norbert: " No! You're the pilot! I'm the spotter !"
Pilot: "Give me those glasses !"
Act 2, Scene 9
- A full on fight breaks out in the cockpit of the chopper and it strays dangerously close to the power lines nearby.
It gets a blade caught in the wires and snares itself;
next the copter itself is spinning around crazily, it's blades held in place by the tangle of wires.
Eventually the blades unscrew and release the chopper, which then tumbles end over end as it bounces crazily along the street,
eventually rolling to a smoking halt outside the Freak Bros' building.
Act 2, Scene 10
- Norbert comes staggering out of the wreckage, still spinning and obviously very disoriented.
He slows to standstill, then stands staring briefly into space until:
The remains of the chopper explode behind him, knocking him to his knees.
He bursts into tears.
- As the partying continues in the glow of the fiery chopper wreckage, The Freak Brothers approach Norbert.
Freddy: " Aw, don't take it so hard, man !"
Franklin: "Yeah, there was probably nothing you could have done , right ?"
Norbert (bawling): "You don't understand ! Sob! Choke! They make us pay for any equipment that we lose!"
Freddy: "Hey, it could have happened to anyone. Here, man, have a beer."
(hands Norbert a can of beer)
Franklin: "Yeah, here, have some MDA, man. It'll make you feel better.
(hands Norbert several pills)
Phineas: " Here, take these too, they're kinda like vitamins."
(hands Norbert some sugar cubes)
- Stunned, Norbert swallows the dope.
Beat.
His facial expression goes completely blank and his pupils dilate to the edges of his eyes.
SFX: GOINK
- The beer foams in his hand , slips from his grip, drops to the ground.
SFX: Clank, rattle, roll.
- Freddy waves his hand in front of Norbert's face but gets no response.
- Franklin snaps his fingers in front of Norbert; no reaction.
Franklin: "Well we can't just leave him here in the middle of the road, the poor guy might get run over !"
Franklin (extending hand to Phineas): "Handy handcart ?
Phineas (producing handcart): "Handy handcart. "
Freddy (addresses audience): " Never be without your handy handcart. "
- The Freaks quickly tip Norbert onto the handcart and whisk him across the street;
Then drag him bumpedy bumpedy bump up the stairs to the apartment.
- The Freaks leave Norbert catatonic in a corner of the back bedroom and go back to the party.
SFX: Party noise, bring reverb up as it fades out under ...
- Long slow truck into Norbert's widely dilated pupil.
- Black.
Act 2, Scene 11
- PHILBERT DESANEX' 100,000TH DREAM
(or a sizable portion thereof)
- Black.
Act 2, Scene 12
- Long slow truck out of Norbert's widely dliated pupil .
Norbert now sits catatonic in a partially day-lit room.
SFX: Distant sounds of harleys revving, nearby snoring fades up under ...
- Truck out of back bedroom into the living room where the Freak Bros lie comatose amongst the party wreckage.
SFX: Loud Knocking
- The Freaks awake with a start.
Franklin: "It's a bust !"
Freddy: (Face down on the carpet with a straw up his nose ) "Breakfast ?"
Phineas: (leaping up) "A bust ! A bust !"
Freak Bros: (running crazily around in circles) "Eat the Dope! Eat the Dope !"
Franklin: "I'll eat all the grass and hash !"
( He quickly scarfs down about a pound of weed )
Freddy: " I'll polish off the remaining MDA and the rest of the acid !"
( He swallows several pills from a bottle, then pours a sugar bowl full of sugar cubes into his mouth and
chews them up )
SFX: "Crunch crunch crunch"
Phineas: "I'll just snort up the rest of the coke. "
( He kneels before a small mirror on the floor and rolls up a dollar bill )
Franklin (approaching): "I'll just help you snort that coke !"
SFX: WHAM POUND THUD
Phineas: "Quick! Hurry! Quick! "
Franklin (snorting): "Snuf! SNURT "
Freddy (approaching quickly): "Me too! Me some more coke too !"
Franklin: "Now turn that bong over so it'll look like a sculpture and break out the rum so we'll seem natural!"
(the other two follow his directions)
- Fat Freddy, still with the straw hanging from his nose, cautiously opens the door.
Mailman - "Special delivery, registered and insured, for someone named 'Dear Sweet Fat Freddy'. Is this a joke ?"
Freddy: "Postman? Package? That's me! I'll sign! Give it here! I'll sign! Oh Lord! Whew! Thank You!"
Mailman - "Well, sign here then, Strawnose. Jesus!"
- Door slams behind mailman. Freddy opens the envelope as the other two watch.
Freddy: "Boy, that MDA, or Acid, or coke or something... could have been the rum I suppose ...sure does come on fast!
It says here my Uncle Artie has turned into a parakeet, so I've inherited his 1938 Phutney-Creach Land Yacht.
It's at a storage lot across town."
- Cops bang at the door, which instantly splinters in a thousand pieces.
A squad of cops appears behind the Captain and the Sergeant.
Sergeant: "Freeze, Freaks! Nobody move !!"
- Freak Bros, high as kites, freeze with their hands in the air.
- Suddenly, Notorious Norbert awakes from his stupor in the corner, leaping into the center of the action. He is stripped to the waist and barefoot, his hair is wild and unkempt and he has 'LOVE' written across his torso in large red letters. His pupils are widely dilated.
Norbert: "Say, I remember, you, Captain ! And you, Sergeant!"
Horrigan: "Norbert? Is that you ?"
Norbert: "Yeah, Horrigan! You smart-ass, self-righteous, sarcastic son of a bitch! I remember you, all right !"
- Norbert lifts the refrigerator easily and brings it down on the Captain, crushing him flat.
The other cops back up a step.
Norbert: "And you, you Sgt. O'Rilly, you bigoted, BB-brained bully! Yesssss, now I recall !"
- Norbert siezes the couch and hurls it through the door, forcing the other cops back as it plows the Sergeant into their midst. He turns and addresses the Freak Bros, still trembling with their hands up:
Norbert: "You know, I've waited years for an opportunity to practice the highly specialised skills I learnt in the service...
How to fracture skulls with a flick of the elbow, how to sever spines with a deft application of the heel, how to paralyse using the little finger ...
(he pulls a small revolver from the back of his waistband)
...and I'm even better when I'm armed! I can shoot the legs off of flies at a hundred yards, so the distance between the average cop's eyes, though quite narrow, seems like a barn door to me !"
(he picks up the Captain's revolver and strides toward the open door)
